Saturday, May 21, 2022

Reflecting the past

Hi there. How’s your Saturday? Good? Mine was relaxing. AS went out leaving just myself and RS, and RS is still sleeping from her lunch nap so yeah here I am trying to put my thoughts in words.

As I reflected alone in the buzzing sounds from lorries on the NKVE highway, I realised that one of my weaknesses is expressing my thoughts in words (verbally) concisely and accurately. I am never a master of words. I always find it difficult to express my concerns or worries; because I am always scared that it will come out wrongly and not as I intended. Though, I am learning to improve (not sure succeeding or not) but I am trying as much as possible to ‘talk’ to AS. Few years back, I think my thoughts are quite accurately presented using words written, but I have lost that skill too since I have not wrote for quite some time.

Why sudden reflections? Just practicing some interview questions haha. But really, I really impressed with people who are eloquent and beautiful with words, in whatever language. I admired those people who speaks with ease to our ears and does not hurt out feelings.

I miss Usyd Quad


I just finished watching Emma. She reminded me of myself in a way. I am shameful but admitting that from time to time I am too proud of myself. I tend to always forgotten that the world does not resolve around myself. My surrounding have feelings, have desires, have passions and opinions; yet I tend to think that I might be the most rational and important. Oh! And there are also secrets that I might not know that others knew and I would have sounded foolish most of the time.

I always wanted to be the wise one, people say wise people say less things. But whenever I tried to be quiet, people tend to see me as troubled or sad. I guessed people need me talking rubbish to liven the air. But really, having lunch with quiet people, is a bit depressing to me. It felt as good as going lunch alone. At least don’t have to be the idiot who doesn’t speak third language.


A friend once told me that she valued friendship more that I did. That I am no good in maintaining relationships. She meant it in a good way but what she said bothers me ever since. Sometimes I feel like I have an amnesia or something that I always forget things that happened in past. Random people who claimed to be my friends would suddenly appear and tell me that I am bad for forgetting friends. Correct me if I am wrong, but aren’t you supposed to make effort to stay in touch too? Like when I was inviting people to my wedding, there are these people who asked me to ask other acquaintances, those people who I last talked to 5-6 years ago? And I said I didn’t want to and you judged me like I’m the worst person on earth??? Hello it’s my wedding, it’s up to me who I wanted to invite and who I didn’t. Maybe I should have dis-invited you instead right? Haha.

But sometimes I am glad to have this kind of ‘amnesia’ because I can still be friends with those people who wrote bad things about me in her blog, who ditched me like I am nothing after making plans with me and who spread crazy rumours about me in school. I mean, I didn’t really forgot all these things but these things, when I really looked back, I can find the memories again but usually seemed not to exist. Same as for the things I did, I tend to forget the bad things I did and the good things I did. So when people told me “we used to be super best friends” and we have talked for 5 years, I’ll need some time to remember. Especially if we ghosted each other mutually.


I feel like patting myself at the back if this post goes online because I actually make an effort to not sleep with RS (yeah, started writing at lunch now it’s 9.30pm). By the way this post are just to put out some thoughts inside my head in words. Just to free up some thinking space on my mind.

Till then, bye!