What "pantang" made me discovered about myself

 I had a moment in the shower today.

"I hated the fact I need to depend on others, the fact that I am now helpless and in need of constant help. I miss being able to do everything on my own, minding my own business, not thinking about the consequences on others."

Yeah. Those who knew me would be acknowledged that I can do things on my own. I am that independent. I sometimes chose to be dependent on you, because I want you to stay in my life longer. Come on, I went to Sydney all by myself, taking the flight to a foreign land all by myself and not a single tear was shed, and I remembered not being scared at all.

During this confinement period, my heart ached and longed to be that girl again. I wanted to be that carefree and adventurous again but people changed over time, right? What am I kidding? I can no longer be her, I can only be myself now and I should start being thankful for all these things I have.

This confinement actually is a learning process for me; to learn to seek help from others. To let me learn to believe and trust people surrounding me to do things for me. To allow people to care for me. Ah, not to forget, it's for me to learn how to pamper myself. To be frank, I forgot how it felt like when people prepare meals for me, did all the house chores for me and all I need to do was rest. I forgot how it felt like, and this 44-day experience will remind me. Well, I didn’t say I didn’t like them, just that I am getting some difficulties accepting the help. I disliked the ideas that somebody had to hassle for me. I felt like a burden which I shouldn’t. But I did and I am still trying to stop thinking like that.

*****

Gambar tiada kaitan

Knowing about post-partum depression is not really helping actually. Sometimes I think I want to be diagnosed with that, which is very bad thinking. Which in fact, I am just tired and was stressed with the new environment and had some difficulties in adapting. Sometimes, when my mood was normal, I won't get easily irritated. Whatever people said or did, won’t affect me. But when someone triggered or remind me to have feelings, to be sensitive, then everything would be so wrong. A simple remark by someone, would definitely made me feel so worthless and I will start to play the slippery slope of how unimportant myself are. These are the unhealthy habits that I should get rid of. If anyone has any ideas how to do it, please share them with me yeah?

*****

I got 3 more weeks to go. Do pray that I can go through them with positivity and happiness yeah?

Take care.

After 9 months of hiatus

Hello.

Hiks. It's been a long time since I popped up here. Well, so many things happened in 2020. With COVID-19 and all. I'm surprised that I didn’t blog even during the MCO time. Well, to be fair, I was still working from home at that time. Haha.

So many things to update!

Early 2020, my best friend got married! Ah, the feeling when she got married was quite mixed. I was sad to let her go but then again, she married my husband's friend too, so she's not going to go anywhere far haha. We'll still get to hang out and yeah, so far so good. Alhamdulillah.

Then, work. Well, nothing changes much anyway. During MCO thing, it was a bit chill and especially when construction got affected quite a lot by this COVID-19 thing, our work has reduced its capacity by quite a lot.

Had a good Ramadhan this year and Eid too. Well, got to spend first Raya with hubby so it's good. :D

I want to share big news, haha but I'm scared. Just like how I'm scared to post photos on my social media. Oh well, I hope everything will go smoothly. 

Will write more soon!

4 days to 2020

Hi.

Phew.

It has been a very long time since my previous post. I was really busy then I guess, well, with work and balancing life between being a wife and daughter-in-law while being the eldest child, a friend and well everything else haha.

Anas and I, we moved to a new place, somewhere nearer to my office which is very convenient I tell ya. Compared to those long drive from Gombak to Damansara, this new location is so easy for me to go around. Alhamdulillah.

It's been more than 4 months now. <3

I'm actually on my end-year leave this whole week and we both actually went to Genting Highlands last Tuesday, and it was magical. The whole road going up was foggy, lucky Anas was driving else I'll be panicking haha. We had it for a day-trip so we went to try the indoor theme parks, which well, to our disappointment, have yet to open their roller-coaster rides to public. Their 4D cinema was just as good as 10+ years ago, I enjoyed the cinema very well. All in all? Go early to Genting if you at least want to go for more rides 'cause starting noon, there will be a lot of people queuing and you might need to wait until 45 mins for a 2-3 mins ride. So, plan your time wisely ok?

**

Oh!

Actually what I wanted to write in this post was never about the Genting trip, it was about what I observed the other days.

You know, if you pay attention when you are at the public places,

you'll notice a father that stopped eating when his child cried, and played with the child, letting the mother eat at her time peacefully, while scrolling phone and catching up with the world,

you'll notice that some people considered eating out is a luxury, that they are very hesitant in their order,

you'll notice a mother who let the father choose the menu for the night and just eat out accordingly,

you'll notice a father who listens attentively to his children while the mother enjoys her bowl of dessert,

you'll notice a wife who let the husband pray first, while she safeguards the groceries they just bought but at the same time, you'll see another couple, where husband let his wife prayed first,

and too, you'll notice a mother who had to bring the baby with her while she prays, because there's no one to take care of the baby meanwhile,

you'll notice a child who was embarrassed when her father was being rude to the waiter,

you'll notice a couple, where the guy has to carry luggage, shopping bag, girl's handbag, while the girl brings practically nothing with her, oh wait, she had her phone with her,

you'll notice some ignorant people who saw an old woman struggling to wear her pair of shoes while standing, while them sitting on the bench near the shoe rack,

you'll notice some waiters, they did not know that by saying "please be patient, that customer over there is also waiting" does nothing but give the customer more dissatisfaction,

you'll notice a whole lot more things, and you'll learn to appreciate what's on your plate.

***

with this, I end my post.

I humbly apologise for all my wrongdoings to you, if there are things that are still unsettled, please let me know so that we can clear it off and start afresh.

Make your last few days in 2019 counts and may all of you start your 2020 with a positive mindset and have a lovely year ahead guys and girls. :)

p/s: You'll never know when I'll be coming back here again right? haha.