Work-life balance.

Thoughts...

Last Thursday, I went back at 9.30 pm, and after driving halfway and passing through a dark area, then only I realized that I didn’t turn my car headlights. *facepalm* I was driving mindlessly for 15 minutes in the dark! No wonder people seem to be driving towards me, like as if they want to hit me. So careless *smh

Then on Friday, whenever I stopped for the traffic light to turn green, I closed my eyes for a few seconds but still sane enough to immediately tell myself that I shouldn’t do that because I’ll sleep and might go ‘langgar’ a wall or someone. So dangerous. And I was actually half crying thinking about the reason for this misery. I keep on asking myself, why do I have to do something like this? Is this actually normal for everyone else? Do fathers have to go through this kinda things to feed their family? For what reason am I holding on that pushed me to work this hard? Why?

*sigh

I just want a normal and relaxed life. Don’t want to be tempted by my peers who keep on building their career but eventually, I was tempted. I think I want to show others that I am able to cope with all these stress and pressure. That I will exceed their expectations of me - being a fresh graduate - who usually cannot cope with tons of workloads.

Haih.

I’m not liking who I turned out to be. Always not home. Always going off to work, always out and about. I miss being at home, with mum and dad. Doing pretty much nothing, just being at home. But yeah. I can’t expect things gonna be the same. I’ll have a family of my own soon (inshaAllah) and have to stand on my own feet.

Just that, I don’t like being this absentminded-er person (since I am already naturally one), it sucks when I give the negative vibes to those surrounding me.

My guy has been very patient with me, I can only repay him with my prayers for his affairs. I can never ask for a better person to be with me at this moment (for until the end, inshaAllah). I am truly grateful for every single thing he did for me, just to make me happy. 😊 Especially when myself feel like giving up on me, each time things are getting difficult and yet, he still manages to make me smile and feel better.

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So, I wrote this on 6th October 2018 when I think I had it bad. But now I came back to revisit on 20th October and it surprised me. I actually broke down in tears on 9th October haha, now that I think about it again, it is funny. I mean, not funny 'funny', it just that I can't believe I cried while finishing a job (that was meant to be done by someone else). Damn, I cried like really bad (yang air mata tumpah atas meja kinda thing sambil betulkan kerja orang haha) so dramatic, so much tears, so much pressure that I totally don't care anymore and can't be bothered that I cried in front of my peers haha....

The thing is I chose to overwork myself. :/  I can actually say no to my boss and explained to him that it is not my scope but instead I didn't say anything. But you guys don't have to worry, now I am starting to explain to him whenever he tried to put more stuff in my already full plate. He understood so far, so it's good.

Lucky, I am so lucky to have good colleagues/friends surrounding me. They understood my struggle and they never stop being caring. They sometimes offered me food when they knew I've been skipping meals, they always asked me to be a little chill whenever I showed too much stress on my face, they always remind me not to stay back too late and ask me to go home when it's already 8 pm. So yeah, I am okay.

And the verse,

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.........." -2:286

come to me again.

He is teaching and testing me with all these yet He surrounds myself with aids (read: love & support) and makes things easy for me as well. Can never be any more grateful for this. :')

I am now slowly accepting the fact that my job is very intense and challenging. Thing phase shall pass anyhow, things are going to be alright inshaAllah. I'll just find my work-life balance in my own way :)

And I pray you will find yours too :)

:)

Merdeka kah kita?

Hi, selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan kawan-kawan.

Hari jumaat yang penuh barakah. Alhamdulillah.

Semoga negara kita terus diberkati dan dirahmati, aminn.

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It was yesterday, during work, around 11 am-ish I think, when I suddenly told my friend that I was glad tomorrow (which is today) is a public holiday. Then he asked,

"Merdeka kah kita?"

And somehow, that question stuck in my head until right now.

Work has been crazy for me for the past two weeks. Had to juggle between four projects, with 3 bosses to communicate and report to, and a whole lot of holidays (which means less time to work in the office). I am tired. That's for sure. Things are getting very very fast for me. A day at work can go by just like that, with me stuck in front of my computer and resolving issues that usually don't involve myself (I am always dragged into things I don't know).

It's hard really. I wonder how people can handle it, with kids, family and all. I just can't really. Getting off from work late will definitely make my parents giving remarks like "Rajinnya kerja.", which is okay for a couple of times, but not every single time I got home late.

Sometimes, I hoped to be living in a shared house. So that, I can just come home to my room and sleep and no more human interaction because my energy always drained at work. Though, usually, conscience come knocking off that thought telling me that I need to be around people who loved me so that I'll be fine and not drown helplessly.

Oh, which reminds me what my director said to me the other day,
"Sabrina, are you 'chocking' now? Am I too fast for you?"

Sigh.

Asking a 6-month old employee to juggle between 4-5 project at the same time is what? Sometimes, I feel like asking my bosses if they're trying to break me. I think they might succeed in a week or so.

So, coming back to the question just now.

"Merdeka kah kita?"

I'm doing my work on a Friday public holiday and worrying about the unfinished jobs, I don't think I've achieved my independence yet. More like a slave to this capitalism. Now, I sounded like I really hate my job.

Well, better go back to work, Monday would be very crucial. My performance that day will define my career growth gradient. Pray for me guys! Pray that it will all goes well.

Gotta go back to work now, BYE!

On my mind

Sejujurnya aku cuma mahu kamu berterus terang.

Aku mahu kau tidak membohongi aku dengan omongan palsu.

Kau, antara manusia yang sewajarnya mengerti betapa aku benci akan manusia yang tidak berpegang pada janji. Pada manusia yang tidak benar-benar jujur dengan aku; yang suka menyembunyikan sesuatu daripada aku seolah-oleh aku ini satu boneka.

Letih sebenarnya.

Jujur, aku penat.

Hati, perassan kamu perlu dijaga. Hati, perasaan dia perlu juga dijaga. Lalu hati aku? Perasaan aku? Keinginan aku? Mana mungkin seorang manusia itu tidak punya perasaan. Tidak berasa sakit taktala teman membuka aibnya.

Manakah salahnya?

Salah aku kah?

Kerana mempercayaimu, walaupun kamu terus mengkhianati.

Aku cuba mengerti apa yang kamu cuba lakukan, tapi aku masih kurang faham. Tindakanmu seolah-olah ingin menjadi Tuhan, ingin mengatur hidup manusia manusia lain. Betul, kita mahu yang terbaik untuk sahabat, keluarga kita. Tapi jangan sampai kita terbawa-bawa dengan semua itu.

Tolong jangan buat keputusan untuk manusia lain.

Terutama tanpa kerelaannya.

Mungkin kau tidak terkesan jika diperlaku sebegitu, tapi aku tak mahu. Aku tak mahu jadi boneka kau, jadi tolong berhenti. Tolong berhenti beritahu aku benda yang aku sudah tahu. Berhenti mengajar aku sesuatu yang perlu aku fahami dengan pengalaman sendiri.

Manusia punya cara dan waktu berbeza untuk belajar sesuatu yang sama.

Kau kau, aku aku.

Jadi, jujur pada aku, apa lagi yang kau aturkan untuk aku?

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Tonight marks the 6-month of me working. Liking it? So far, not really. Hate it? Getting to. Anyhow, we don't always get what we want in life immediately, so fret not. Tough times shall pass. This shall pass and now I should go to sleep. Goodnight.

p/s: Sorry the previous section turned out to be a mix of Malay and Indo. I couldn't bother much.