Saturday, July 28, 2018

Confession; a lost star


It's rainy today in KL. I've just washed my clothes and the sky is surely telling me that my clothes aren't gonna dry if I just hang them. So, to laundromat we have to go, later, not now. 

I actually planned to write a post when it was still raining just now but instead, I spent almost 2 hours watching the 'Confessions of a Shopaholic". So, what to write today? My confession(s). 

I've lost interest in reading books, like really really not interested anymore to read them. I bought quite a number of them but I didn’t manage to finish any books yet since I started working. Reason being? "Oh, I have got no time, I'm always tired after work, I need to sleep early" Bunch and bunch of excuses, which partly true, but the root of it is I just lost interest in it. I've lost interest in reading books, well actually in reading anything. Which you can escalate it to me being unable to write anything here. No inputs, no output right? 

So, how come I'm writing this as of now? Because I started reading again. In fact, I'm glad I picked up an interesting book for me to read, which is The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. I haven't finished it yet but the fact that I am looking forward to getting stuck in traffic so I can read a couple of pages of the book definitely means something. And reading a chapter or two in my car whenever I reached office way too early, is totally a good morning habit, I think. 

"I'm making progress. I'm making progress." --so I told myself. 

Many of you would not understand what I'm trying to convey here, but it's okay. I sometimes don't understand it myself. 

Being an adult is hard. A lot of people have been telling me that adulthood is difficult. You've got your bills, your work, commitments, your car, your friends all getting married but you're still coping to plan your finances and lots more. Yeah, all those things are true. I was one of those people who think I've got to get a job, have a lot of savings, get a car, get married etc. So, the term that my friend said to me the other day was 'autopilot'. I'm living this life on autopilot. Wakes up at 6 am, leave home to work at 7 am, comes back at 7 pm, sleep at 10 or 11 pm and the patterns repeat itself every day for 5 days. The more I'm adapting to this routine, the more empty I'm feeling. 

So, I took a step out from the busy train and reflect. I've changed. I've seen myself drinking coffee just to drink it, not to enjoy the smell and sensation from it. I've seen myself being distant from friends, being unable to catch up with what really is happening in their life. I've seen myself to be someone more selfish, that thinks of herself superior than others because of what she does. I've seen myself going through the traffic for 1 hour in the morning and 1 hour in the evening, driving like as if it was a routine programme with nothing interesting. I've seen myself spending my weekend at home, fearing I lost all the energy to work the coming week. I've seen myself, changed from a bit interesting to a dull person. 

Okay, this is getting a little bit depressing and self-loathe. But anyway, the thing is I realise that I couldn’t find the meaning of what I do. Yes, yes, my work cover a lot of the percentage of my life. Though, there's a period of time to pass before I can change it. So, I decided to change my way of thoughts on things. I need to be happy again. I don't want not being able to feel anything. I want to enjoy life, to make mistakes, to learn new thing, just that, all those won't happen in just in a blink of an eye. 

Those Sydney days~
I really believe that in life, we might get sidetrack from doing what we have interest in. Sometimes, we put too much effort in it, that we could no longer appreciate it. One example would be having coffee. Sometimes, I think I drink too much cup of coffee that I could not remember which flavors excite me best? Was it the bitterness, or the chocolaty or the nuttiness of the blend? Tbh, right now I'm still unsure. That's when I know I need to detox myself and give time for myself to rediscover. To rediscover my passions and interests. I trust that we need to always refresh our aim, our vision in this life. What I really want? Is this all worth my time? Would I want to be define as this? 

I think this is more than enough of a post. Sorry, it doesn’t come to a conclusion. But hey, just to let you know. We are all in this together. Sometimes talking to another person can inspire you to what you want to do. Just keep in mind that relationship with God is very important. 

One day I was behind the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) [riding on the same mount] and he said, “O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice]: Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” It was related by at-Tirmidhi, who said it was a good and sound hadeeth. Another narration, other than that of Tirmidhi, reads: Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. Recognize and acknowledge Allah in times of ease and prosperity, and He will remember you in times of adversity. And know that what has passed you by [and you have failed to attain] was not going to befall you, and what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and hardship with ease. 

- Hadith 19, Imam Nawawi

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