Things happened in life to teach you

 Hello.

Just to share a quick story.

This morning, I was helping Anas to make our morning coffee using our freshly bought coffee beans. Well, the grinder stuck so I attempted to troubleshoot it. Cut-short the story, I clumsily dropped the storage bins for the ground beans and all of that 100grams coffee beans, all of them scattered on the floor. (If you cannot imagine, try searching for images for 'Spilled coffee beans on the floor' and then you can imagine me trying to pick up one by one; initially thinking that I can save the beans. After 2 mins, I figured that I  should just throw all these so I just swept them all haha.

Anyway, as I was picking up the beans, my mind reminded me of something.

Last night, I read something called "The Power of Acknowledgement", a subtopic in the book by Mizi Wahid, "The Art of Letting God". The book said that there are some things that we can never change, so there's no point to be too upset about it. And the funny thing is that the writer used an example of dropping something he really wanted to eat on the floor. What he is trying to say is that we need to take notice of something, be aware of it and accept it as it is. Don't start being too carried away with what already spilled. Well, I cannot undo that. So, just now when I was on the floor, I was really trying to comprehend this into my mind. Haha.

Miss going to cafes

And it helped. At least I managed to take a good shower and dress up, purposely to distract me from remembering the incident again. I seriously felt a whole lot better after that. It was a loss for the spilled beans but anyhow, the coffee was too strong for us so yeah.

I am just amazed that God made me learnt this value immediately as I stumbled upon it while reading a book. Which gives me the motivation to read even more books.

So, let's get reading shall we guys?

Take care Oki.

Writing helps?

Hello there.

I've been contemplating writing in Malay or English. Attempted to use Malay all the way but I sounded so fake; so I guess, broken English it is.

It has been one month since my office practice Work From Home (WFH) due to Covid-19 cases rising. Well, what is scarier is that even after one month, the cases haven't dropped.

Oh let just pray that things gonna get better.

As per my title up there, this is just an attempt to declutter my miserable messy mind so let's start with me unloading some of them:

• If you are a manager, please be decisive with your staff. Never ask them to bypass you and go to your immediate superior. Underperformed staff should be monitored closely. Maybe even create a performance improvement plan for the staff. Because sometimes, people just need some motivation and the right guidance.
• Breastfeeding is so tiring and requires such patience and commitment. Well, I can talk a lot about this but that's for another post.
• Sometimes being a person that is not a picky eater; can be a problem when "anything also can" and someone else need to make a decision.
• Finding your passion and hobby is important to keep your mind at rest. Because when you start doing your hobby, you're giving good healthy food to your brain.
• Nobody will take care of you like you can. Yes, the family can help you give support and help. But in the end, unless you want to help yourself, nobody else can.
• Not a day passed that I conflicted myself between being an at-home mother and a working mother. Not a day passed without me worrying about my milk supply for my baby. Not a day passed without me worrying about what if my baby won't drink the formula milk and insist to have breastmilk. Not a day passed that I am wondering whether or not what I am doing a mother is correct or not. It's so exhausting to decide what's best for someone else. Someone who I carried for 9 months, someone who can't tell me that she's hot if I cover her with too much blanket, who cannot tell me what she wants to do for the rest of the day and who wanted my fullest attention when I'm with her. 
• My chiffon cake didn't work out chiffon-ny yesterday. Turned out to be a normal pumpkin cake. Hush. Very rusty baking skill, so in need of improvement.
• Trying to build up a habit of reading is difficult. I could not make time to squeeze a bit of reading or maybe I got too much on my plate.
• Interns can be very annoying. Some of them prefer to be spoon-fed. Cannot do anything on their own. I mean, fine, you are an intern so expected to not know things, but some initiatives please? Don't just go "Sabrina, this cannot do cause got an error." The end????? You could really continue on by saying, "I've tried this and that, but really just can. Maybe can help me out here." And some more you stayed silent just like that. Sooooo not getting my recommendation. Let me not talk about those interns who had the capabilities "Oh, actually not interested to do this." Well, news for you, I am not interested to teach and share things with you too but I was assigned this task so just get over it.

Phew, this summed up why I am bitter and frustrated these days. Oh, let's not just start talking about our country, government and Covid-19.  But I feel a little better now 'cause I know there'll always be someone keeping an eye on this blog, reading my random thoughts/writings from time to time. Love you. :D

Dried flowers, so pretty right?

Till then, back to work. Take care, all of you, stay safe and stay indoors as much as you can.

Bye!

What "pantang" made me discovered about myself

 I had a moment in the shower today.

"I hated the fact I need to depend on others, the fact that I am now helpless and in need of constant help. I miss being able to do everything on my own, minding my own business, not thinking about the consequences on others."

Yeah. Those who knew me would be acknowledged that I can do things on my own. I am that independent. I sometimes chose to be dependent on you, because I want you to stay in my life longer. Come on, I went to Sydney all by myself, taking the flight to a foreign land all by myself and not a single tear was shed, and I remembered not being scared at all.

During this confinement period, my heart ached and longed to be that girl again. I wanted to be that carefree and adventurous again but people changed over time, right? What am I kidding? I can no longer be her, I can only be myself now and I should start being thankful for all these things I have.

This confinement actually is a learning process for me; to learn to seek help from others. To let me learn to believe and trust people surrounding me to do things for me. To allow people to care for me. Ah, not to forget, it's for me to learn how to pamper myself. To be frank, I forgot how it felt like when people prepare meals for me, did all the house chores for me and all I need to do was rest. I forgot how it felt like, and this 44-day experience will remind me. Well, I didn’t say I didn’t like them, just that I am getting some difficulties accepting the help. I disliked the ideas that somebody had to hassle for me. I felt like a burden which I shouldn’t. But I did and I am still trying to stop thinking like that.

*****

Gambar tiada kaitan

Knowing about post-partum depression is not really helping actually. Sometimes I think I want to be diagnosed with that, which is very bad thinking. Which in fact, I am just tired and was stressed with the new environment and had some difficulties in adapting. Sometimes, when my mood was normal, I won't get easily irritated. Whatever people said or did, won’t affect me. But when someone triggered or remind me to have feelings, to be sensitive, then everything would be so wrong. A simple remark by someone, would definitely made me feel so worthless and I will start to play the slippery slope of how unimportant myself are. These are the unhealthy habits that I should get rid of. If anyone has any ideas how to do it, please share them with me yeah?

*****

I got 3 more weeks to go. Do pray that I can go through them with positivity and happiness yeah?

Take care.