the one that always make my heart flutters

Assalamualaikum and hi!

It’s been halfway through Ramadhan, and I’ve started to feel lazy to wake up for suhoor. Hehe. Feel like sleeping in and wake up late as usual, just to go to work.

Anyway, the real reason I wanna write today was I feel like I need to document this somewhere, and I feel this blog is quite safe because not many people read them.

I happened few days ago, on a Sunday, if I am not mistaken. It’s just happened something happened between me and AS, we argued a bit, just normal marriage thing, which eventually made me feel sad. I suddenly started to feel low and melancholy. I had a short nap and when I woke up, I watched the movie on Netflix, “PS: I love you”. It only took me like 5 mins to feel sad all over again and I tried to text E about it, when RS came in the room. 

My eyes were teary and she asked me,

“Mama, mama okay?”

‘Tak sayang. Mama sedih sikit. Kejap ya Ayya, mama msj kawan mama jap’ – so I continue typing, while at that I started crying.

Then I peeked at RS, she was gloomy too. RS was having a very sad face. Immediately, I stopped typing and asked RS,

‘Kenapa ni Ayya?’ – then she cried but she didn’t answer me.

Okay, to be honest during this time I was like ‘lah kenapa lah budak ni nangis pulakkkkk? Aku yang sedih dia pun nangis jugak’. 

‘Ayya sedih kenapa ni Ayya?’

“Sebab mama sedih”

I seriously want to laugh at the instant cause it was cute. But then, she made me feel the love she had for me. I felt as if she didn’t want to see me sad. Mind you, she was barely 4 years old.

So, I wiped my tears and comforted her, gave her a hug and told her it’s okay. She was okay a bit later, but she kept saying that she was sad because I was sad. Mummy’s crying inside but to calm her down, I must remain calm too. At this instant I was so thankful that Allah’s allowed me to have this beautiful girl in my life. Hopefully, I can be a good mother to her.

Doakan anak kecil ni membesar dengan sihat dan menjadi orang baik dan disayangi.

RS in her element hehe 

p/s: I love you always my dearest babygirl. 

Dilema personaliti

Hai.

Jarang sebenarnya aku menaip dalam Bahasa Melayu. Aku rasa janggal dan kekok. Walaupun sebenarnya lebih kepada aku rasa terlebih emosi. Menulis macam ni pun dah buat aku rasa nak menangis.

Kepada orang-orang yang mengenali aku, kamu sudah maklum yang aku ni bicaranya kuat, gelaknya selalu terlebih, terkadang bercakap terlalu semangat dan perkataan aku guna selalunya kurang sensitif. Pernah juga kawan-kawan aku perli suara aku satu restoran boleh dengar. Pernah juga di-shush oleh suami sendiri. Pernah juga mama kata dia malu dengan diri aku yang terlebih-lebih. Benda-benda ni buat aku rasa aku sepatutnya diam ataupun terus tak wujud.

Kadang-kadang aku refleksi sendiri...Kenapa aku ni seorang yang bising? Kenapa aku tak boleh jadi perempuan yang lemah lembut? Kenapa aku tak boleh soft-spoken? Kenapa aku gelak berbunyi? Mungkin patut aku jadi pendiam kan.

Tapi iyelah, aku sepatutnya terima segala nasihat ni secara positif kan. Cuma manusia tak boleh lari daripada terasa hati kan? Aku nak menulis lagi panjang tapi air mata ni tak boleh nak bendung dah. Jadi doakan aku ya? Doakan aku terus kuat dan cekal hati untuk terus menjadi lebih baik di mata Dia.

Jaga diri ya sahabat.

Two best friends

 "Mama....anak. Mama uat...Mamaaaaaa, Abah uat....Mama....nak ti..."

(Mama, taknak. Mama buat. Mama, Abah buat. Mama nak roti)

Ngam la sebenarnya tengah taip benda ni sambil dengar lagu Fourtwnty - Puisi Alam. 

"Bahagia..... bahagia kucukup sederhana..."

Sumayya dah masuk 2 tahun 1 bulan. Dah banyak bercakap walaupun masih kena berteka-teki apa yang cuba disampaikan haha. Dan pandai negotiate banyak benda. Alhamdulillah, anak yang sangat-sangat baik dan bijak. Teringat, pernah sekali aku stress sangat sampai termenangis depan dia, dia ambik kain untuk lap air mata. Sekarang pun sama, every time aku acah merajuk, dia akan cuba pujuk, tapi kasar sikit. Masih belum tahu cara barangkali. 

Kenapa aku tiba tiba tulis pasal Sumayya? Sebab ada orang request. Hehe.

Aku nak cerita dari fasa mengandung tapi takut terbanyak pulak. Time pun tak ada banyak ni sebab masa lunch hour je kan.

Minggu ni aku penat lain macam sikit. Mungkin penat naik MRT ke hormonal ke aku tak pasti, ataupun aku just letih dah nak menyusu Sumayya malam-malam membuatkan aku tak tidur direct, asyik terjaga-jaga. Oh yes, Sumayya masih bangun malam-malam minta susu. Kurang pasti kenapa, kalau ikut pembacaan aku, sepatutnya dia sudah boleh tidur malam tanpa jaga. Tapi tak apa lah, bukannya benda besar sangat.

Tapi alkisahnya, aku cuba juga untuk bagi Sumayya tidur sendiri tanpa menyusu. Aku letak colgate! Ah, aku tak kisah lah orang kata kena slowly talk dengan anak apa semua. Aku dah buat benda tu dah lama. Banyak kali dah aku cakap dengan dia, tapi dia nak jugak. Haha, ni satu lagi perangai Sumayya; kalau dia nak tu, dia nak tu la. So kita lawan la kali ni. Kesian la first time tu dia gelabah cari air haha. "Air air......" sambil berlari keluar bilik cari botol air dia hahaha. Malam kedua dia hidu dulu, "osak susu mama....abah, wat susu.." hehe. semoga malam ni boleh berterusan.

Aku bersyukur Sumayya punya Anas sebagai a bah dia. Anas yang sangat penyabar, lembut dan penyayang. Syurga buat suamiku ya Allah. Pagi tadi, aku bangun lewat sikit, bangun bangun tengok ayah dan anak duk main sama sama dalam bilik solat. Sabar je si abah melayan, sengaja dia biar aku tidur lama sikit. Aku bersyukur, bersyukur sangat. Dan aku harap sangat hubungan Anas dan Sumayya kekal erat. 

"Mayya nak luk abah..." - before she goes to sleep at night.

(Sumayya nak peluk abah)

Semoga terus dalam lindunganNya,

A last post for 2022, making way for 2023

Assalamualaikum and hello.

It’s still raining outside, like it usually does for the past few weeks. Hence the flood in Kelantan and Terengganu, and if I’m not mistaken, heading towards Pahang too now. May all those affected by the floods got the aid they need and recover from it quickly.

Anyway, it’s less than 10 days left in 2022 and it seems like just a nice time to start building up new year’s resolution. To reflect, last year, 2022, I made a resolution to change career and lost weight. I managed to do the former but failed at the later haha. So far alhamdulillah, I can say it was a good thing I decided to change job, despite having to sort of start over since I’m leaving construction industry to different sector. It has been good so far, alhamdulillah.

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It was raining again during lunch just now. I went to Nu Sentral for a quick grocery shopping, and it was drizzling. It was drizzling like in Sydney. (Eceh padahal mana2 tmpt drizzle pun sama jelah kan haha) Brought me back to 2014-2017, when I was young and careless. Not caring much the fact that I am getting wet for going though the rain. I remembered that I bought a 30 bucks jacket, it was supposed to be my winter jacket but Sab’s being Sab, I just used the same one as my rain jacket. No, it was not really waterproof haha.

How on earth did I think this was safe?

I remembered those nights that I stayed back in the library and tried to be productive with my studies. Can’t believed those four years went by so fast but I still remember those happy feeling when I saw the jacaranda blooming at the junction nearby my apartment. The feeling to tucked everything inside my backpack, hoodie on, earphone in and blasting with folk songs – and the sky started drizzling. So calming. I think there are a few nights that I purposedly walked slowly, just to enjoy the rain. Alhamdulillah, those times, I rarely get sick. These days, post-covid, I am very prone to colds and flu.

Sometimes, those short walk from uni, would be accompanied by E in my ear. We will talk about tons of things; I don’t even know how we managed to do that those times, 3-6 hours sometimes. These days, I think both of us didn’t talk much anymore. We rarely text too, guessed we are all busy with life. I am just hoping that she’s doing well over there. Well, she is indeed an important person in my life; helped me to go through Sydney very much. She still is anyway. :D

Okay, coming back to 2022-to-2023-in-few-days, my new job requires me to commute using MRT to work. I enjoyed it, to be honest, but I hoped that I didn’t have to walk much haha. Imagine going for 4 escalators just to reach the platforms? Haha, and sometimes the escalators didn’t work >.< It’s a good exercise some people told me. Well yeah, if I don’t need to carry my heavy laptop bag then it’s nice hehe.

So this post getting a bit lengthy without destination hahaha. Well, if you are expecting me to share my resolution, I can share a bit, I wanted to be wiser and matured in the way I reacted to things. Very general but hahaha oh oh! Is saving up money to buy a new phone considered a resolution? Haha.

Anyhow, enjoy your long weekend everyone! Take care and all the best for a new year. 😊

Nicknames and their values

Hi.

As of late I kept seeing people referring public figures "Tok Abah", "Abah", "Ummi" while adoring these people. Well, I feel like I have to say my stand on this haha (even though nobody asked, but why not?)

I disliked it. Very very much. I feel that these nicknames are really unnecessary. 

I remembered before, someone asked me to called her "Mama", because she wanted to build a close connection with us students. Especially when we are away from our family. But I just could not. I would always refer her as my teacher and name, I just could not comprehend calling someone unrelated to me, a stranger, no ties whatsoever (except as muslim), "Mama". I mean, when I address someone as "Mama", she has to be my mother, whom I will always always respect, love unconditionally and yeah, nobody can replace that. 

Same goes to calling politician "Abah", I mean come on, that's like so unprofessional and cringey on so many levels. Just keep in formal. Unless you really wanna marry his daughter/son then I think okaylah. 

That's all I wanna share.

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On another note, I am trying to draw. This is just to record my first flower hehe.

Take care everyone!

Reflecting the past

Hi there. How’s your Saturday? Good? Mine was relaxing. AS went out leaving just myself and RS, and RS is still sleeping from her lunch nap so yeah here I am trying to put my thoughts in words.

As I reflected alone in the buzzing sounds from lorries on the NKVE highway, I realised that one of my weaknesses is expressing my thoughts in words (verbally) concisely and accurately. I am never a master of words. I always find it difficult to express my concerns or worries; because I am always scared that it will come out wrongly and not as I intended. Though, I am learning to improve (not sure succeeding or not) but I am trying as much as possible to ‘talk’ to AS. Few years back, I think my thoughts are quite accurately presented using words written, but I have lost that skill too since I have not wrote for quite some time.

Why sudden reflections? Just practicing some interview questions haha. But really, I really impressed with people who are eloquent and beautiful with words, in whatever language. I admired those people who speaks with ease to our ears and does not hurt out feelings.

I miss Usyd Quad

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I just finished watching Emma. She reminded me of myself in a way. I am shameful but admitting that from time to time I am too proud of myself. I tend to always forgotten that the world does not resolve around myself. My surrounding have feelings, have desires, have passions and opinions; yet I tend to think that I might be the most rational and important. Oh! And there are also secrets that I might not know that others knew and I would have sounded foolish most of the time.

I always wanted to be the wise one, people say wise people say less things. But whenever I tried to be quiet, people tend to see me as troubled or sad. I guessed people need me talking rubbish to liven the air. But really, having lunch with quiet people, is a bit depressing to me. It felt as good as going lunch alone. At least don’t have to be the idiot who doesn’t speak third language.

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A friend once told me that she valued friendship more that I did. That I am no good in maintaining relationships. She meant it in a good way but what she said bothers me ever since. Sometimes I feel like I have an amnesia or something that I always forget things that happened in past. Random people who claimed to be my friends would suddenly appear and tell me that I am bad for forgetting friends. Correct me if I am wrong, but aren’t you supposed to make effort to stay in touch too? Like when I was inviting people to my wedding, there are these people who asked me to ask other acquaintances, those people who I last talked to 5-6 years ago? And I said I didn’t want to and you judged me like I’m the worst person on earth??? Hello it’s my wedding, it’s up to me who I wanted to invite and who I didn’t. Maybe I should have dis-invited you instead right? Haha.

But sometimes I am glad to have this kind of ‘amnesia’ because I can still be friends with those people who wrote bad things about me in her blog, who ditched me like I am nothing after making plans with me and who spread crazy rumours about me in school. I mean, I didn’t really forgot all these things but these things, when I really looked back, I can find the memories again but usually seemed not to exist. Same as for the things I did, I tend to forget the bad things I did and the good things I did. So when people told me “we used to be super best friends” and we have talked for 5 years, I’ll need some time to remember. Especially if we ghosted each other mutually.

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I feel like patting myself at the back if this post goes online because I actually make an effort to not sleep with RS (yeah, started writing at lunch now it’s 9.30pm). By the way this post are just to put out some thoughts inside my head in words. Just to free up some thinking space on my mind.

Till then, bye!

Might be last post in 2021? Haha

Assalamualaikum and hello people.

Today I’m at my car service centre and I promised myself that I wanted to post a blog today, so if you managed to read this, alhamdulillah.

Last weekend, I had a good time with my girl friends and my baby girl. RS has been amazing by the way. She slept around 8pm till morning, and my goodness, that allowed me to do some chores and rest after long hours at work. Anyhow, I went out almost the whole day, from brunch to lunch and all. Haha. Seriously it felt so good to see friends, good friends that I can have meaningful conversation with.

Well, it has been a long time since my friends hangout after covid and all, after getting a kid, I think I went out with friends only once? Haha. So, it’s really a good feeling and experience. (By now you should really know that I had a really good time cause I just spent two paragraphs describing it hahaha)

A lot of things I wanted to share with you people who reads this blog (maybe a few numbers but yeah). From motherhood, work, friendship but all in all it goes back to about life. About jodoh, having kids, your health, money, career and list the go on. But thinking that this might be my only post this year, I would like to dedicate it about being a mother. RS turning one in 3 weeks! Alhamdulillah. Mixed feeling happysad but more about it later.

Let’s see.

I got pregnant just when Covid-19 started, but seriously, can never be thankful enough that I had a smooth pregnancy. No morning sickness, no high blood pressure, just some leg cramps, constipation, diet-controlled GDM and yeah, otherwise all good. I am glad that I’m okay to drive myself around even until I’m in 36weeks. Oh yes, I climbed up my office on 4th floors by stairs yeah? Maybe that was the one that help me to have smooth delivery also (all praise to God cause ultimately it is all God’s will).

Okay okay, had to admit, I had some mysterious way of thinking during pregnancy. I was super sensitive and I was sensitive about it. Lol, I cried fro being emotional and sensitive. Now that I think back, it was really unnecessary but then again, it was those things that happened who made me who I am today.

Fast forward 38 weeks, I had to be induced because my GDM suddenly spiked and I had to start taking meds. Oh, GDM is gestational diabetic mellitus, basically diabetic during pregnancy. I think it basically caused by your hormones. And, don’t worry, I’m no longer diabetic now. So yeah, after almost 24 hours in the labour room, there you go, came out a beautiful baby girl, Raisa Sumayya. She was so small now that I remember and I was so scared to hold her because she seems so fragile. I remember my husband stayed with me throughout the time in the labour room and he held my hand, ah he even slept on the floor ‘cause the chair was so uncomfortable despite the room being too cold.

Then, the journey begins…..

I had problems with latching to my baby, so I had to pump. Yes, Sabrina being Sabrina, she didn’t buy the pump yet lol. So I had to manually pump and topup with formula. But I keep trying anyhow. God, breastfeeding journey is another story just by itself haha. Baby got prolonged jaundice. Yeah, so stressful for me, cause you see, people always tell me you have to keep feeding her to lower down her bilirubin level but I got issue with latching so how? Damn, that was stressful time.

Yes, pantang is another story hahahaha. It was a mixed-challenging-modern-conservation-fighting-for-you time. I am still okay, I think. Haha. But yeah, I am super glad I got Anas as my biggest supporter. I can never thanked him enough for holding RS while I sleep throughout the night. And enduring those hard sofa just because there’s no enough room for him on the bed. What a period for us both. (Semoga syurga buat insan ini dan semoga dipermudahkan semua urusannya)

So yeah, I had a difficult time during confinement. I think I almost self-diagnosed myself for having postpartum depression. It was difficult because RS sometimes will cry non-stop without reason in the middle of night haha. Thankfully she no longer does that. It was tiring trying to understand RS. People say you can listen to the cries tone and rhythm, it means something but hahaha I don’t care. I did whatever I can think of as long as she’s okay.

This post is getting to lengthy I guess? Haha.

So cutting the story short, just hit me up if you wonder or wanted to ask about things pregnancy related, motherhood and also being wife after birth! I’d love to share the funny or stressful things to you if you ask :)

RS is now actively exploring the things around her. She likes to talk with her own language of course and she is very smart and happy. She’s loud like me haha and not the very manja type, but can be. Despite those many many challenging episodes, I will not change anything. She’s a happy and healthy kid and I am so glad.

Having her was a choice, we planned for her, and we wanted her. And I loved it that I got to do this with Anas. I tell you, coming back from stressful and tiring day at work to this cheeky bambam girl, just melts your heart and makes you forget other things.

I prayed for those who are trying to get kids, that Allah will ease it for you.
I prayed for those who are struggling to get married, that Allah will ease it for you.
And for those who are in the same boat as me, that Allah will ease it for you.

Cause everything that happens, all is in Allah’s will.

May all of us will be blessed by His gracious blessings and guidance.

Take care people.

They’re gonna be best friends <3

Things happened in life to teach you

 Hello.

Just to share a quick story.

This morning, I was helping Anas to make our morning coffee using our freshly bought coffee beans. Well, the grinder stuck so I attempted to troubleshoot it. Cut-short the story, I clumsily dropped the storage bins for the ground beans and all of that 100grams coffee beans, all of them scattered on the floor. (If you cannot imagine, try searching for images for 'Spilled coffee beans on the floor' and then you can imagine me trying to pick up one by one; initially thinking that I can save the beans. After 2 mins, I figured that I  should just throw all these so I just swept them all haha.

Anyway, as I was picking up the beans, my mind reminded me of something.

Last night, I read something called "The Power of Acknowledgement", a subtopic in the book by Mizi Wahid, "The Art of Letting God". The book said that there are some things that we can never change, so there's no point to be too upset about it. And the funny thing is that the writer used an example of dropping something he really wanted to eat on the floor. What he is trying to say is that we need to take notice of something, be aware of it and accept it as it is. Don't start being too carried away with what already spilled. Well, I cannot undo that. So, just now when I was on the floor, I was really trying to comprehend this into my mind. Haha.

Miss going to cafes

And it helped. At least I managed to take a good shower and dress up, purposely to distract me from remembering the incident again. I seriously felt a whole lot better after that. It was a loss for the spilled beans but anyhow, the coffee was too strong for us so yeah.

I am just amazed that God made me learnt this value immediately as I stumbled upon it while reading a book. Which gives me the motivation to read even more books.

So, let's get reading shall we guys?

Take care Oki.

Writing helps?

Hello there.

I've been contemplating writing in Malay or English. Attempted to use Malay all the way but I sounded so fake; so I guess, broken English it is.

It has been one month since my office practice Work From Home (WFH) due to Covid-19 cases rising. Well, what is scarier is that even after one month, the cases haven't dropped.

Oh let just pray that things gonna get better.

As per my title up there, this is just an attempt to declutter my miserable messy mind so let's start with me unloading some of them:

• If you are a manager, please be decisive with your staff. Never ask them to bypass you and go to your immediate superior. Underperformed staff should be monitored closely. Maybe even create a performance improvement plan for the staff. Because sometimes, people just need some motivation and the right guidance.
• Breastfeeding is so tiring and requires such patience and commitment. Well, I can talk a lot about this but that's for another post.
• Sometimes being a person that is not a picky eater; can be a problem when "anything also can" and someone else need to make a decision.
• Finding your passion and hobby is important to keep your mind at rest. Because when you start doing your hobby, you're giving good healthy food to your brain.
• Nobody will take care of you like you can. Yes, the family can help you give support and help. But in the end, unless you want to help yourself, nobody else can.
• Not a day passed that I conflicted myself between being an at-home mother and a working mother. Not a day passed without me worrying about my milk supply for my baby. Not a day passed without me worrying about what if my baby won't drink the formula milk and insist to have breastmilk. Not a day passed that I am wondering whether or not what I am doing a mother is correct or not. It's so exhausting to decide what's best for someone else. Someone who I carried for 9 months, someone who can't tell me that she's hot if I cover her with too much blanket, who cannot tell me what she wants to do for the rest of the day and who wanted my fullest attention when I'm with her. 
• My chiffon cake didn't work out chiffon-ny yesterday. Turned out to be a normal pumpkin cake. Hush. Very rusty baking skill, so in need of improvement.
• Trying to build up a habit of reading is difficult. I could not make time to squeeze a bit of reading or maybe I got too much on my plate.
• Interns can be very annoying. Some of them prefer to be spoon-fed. Cannot do anything on their own. I mean, fine, you are an intern so expected to not know things, but some initiatives please? Don't just go "Sabrina, this cannot do cause got an error." The end????? You could really continue on by saying, "I've tried this and that, but really just can. Maybe can help me out here." And some more you stayed silent just like that. Sooooo not getting my recommendation. Let me not talk about those interns who had the capabilities "Oh, actually not interested to do this." Well, news for you, I am not interested to teach and share things with you too but I was assigned this task so just get over it.

Phew, this summed up why I am bitter and frustrated these days. Oh, let's not just start talking about our country, government and Covid-19.  But I feel a little better now 'cause I know there'll always be someone keeping an eye on this blog, reading my random thoughts/writings from time to time. Love you. :D

Dried flowers, so pretty right?

Till then, back to work. Take care, all of you, stay safe and stay indoors as much as you can.

Bye!

What "pantang" made me discovered about myself

 I had a moment in the shower today.

"I hated the fact I need to depend on others, the fact that I am now helpless and in need of constant help. I miss being able to do everything on my own, minding my own business, not thinking about the consequences on others."

Yeah. Those who knew me would be acknowledged that I can do things on my own. I am that independent. I sometimes chose to be dependent on you, because I want you to stay in my life longer. Come on, I went to Sydney all by myself, taking the flight to a foreign land all by myself and not a single tear was shed, and I remembered not being scared at all.

During this confinement period, my heart ached and longed to be that girl again. I wanted to be that carefree and adventurous again but people changed over time, right? What am I kidding? I can no longer be her, I can only be myself now and I should start being thankful for all these things I have.

This confinement actually is a learning process for me; to learn to seek help from others. To let me learn to believe and trust people surrounding me to do things for me. To allow people to care for me. Ah, not to forget, it's for me to learn how to pamper myself. To be frank, I forgot how it felt like when people prepare meals for me, did all the house chores for me and all I need to do was rest. I forgot how it felt like, and this 44-day experience will remind me. Well, I didn’t say I didn’t like them, just that I am getting some difficulties accepting the help. I disliked the ideas that somebody had to hassle for me. I felt like a burden which I shouldn’t. But I did and I am still trying to stop thinking like that.

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Gambar tiada kaitan

Knowing about post-partum depression is not really helping actually. Sometimes I think I want to be diagnosed with that, which is very bad thinking. Which in fact, I am just tired and was stressed with the new environment and had some difficulties in adapting. Sometimes, when my mood was normal, I won't get easily irritated. Whatever people said or did, won’t affect me. But when someone triggered or remind me to have feelings, to be sensitive, then everything would be so wrong. A simple remark by someone, would definitely made me feel so worthless and I will start to play the slippery slope of how unimportant myself are. These are the unhealthy habits that I should get rid of. If anyone has any ideas how to do it, please share them with me yeah?

*****

I got 3 more weeks to go. Do pray that I can go through them with positivity and happiness yeah?

Take care.

After 9 months of hiatus

Hello.

Hiks. It's been a long time since I popped up here. Well, so many things happened in 2020. With COVID-19 and all. I'm surprised that I didn’t blog even during the MCO time. Well, to be fair, I was still working from home at that time. Haha.

So many things to update!

Early 2020, my best friend got married! Ah, the feeling when she got married was quite mixed. I was sad to let her go but then again, she married my husband's friend too, so she's not going to go anywhere far haha. We'll still get to hang out and yeah, so far so good. Alhamdulillah.

Then, work. Well, nothing changes much anyway. During MCO thing, it was a bit chill and especially when construction got affected quite a lot by this COVID-19 thing, our work has reduced its capacity by quite a lot.

Had a good Ramadhan this year and Eid too. Well, got to spend first Raya with hubby so it's good. :D

I want to share big news, haha but I'm scared. Just like how I'm scared to post photos on my social media. Oh well, I hope everything will go smoothly. 

Will write more soon!

4 days to 2020

Hi.

Phew.

It has been a very long time since my previous post. I was really busy then I guess, well, with work and balancing life between being a wife and daughter-in-law while being the eldest child, a friend and well everything else haha.

Anas and I, we moved to a new place, somewhere nearer to my office which is very convenient I tell ya. Compared to those long drive from Gombak to Damansara, this new location is so easy for me to go around. Alhamdulillah.

It's been more than 4 months now. <3

I'm actually on my end-year leave this whole week and we both actually went to Genting Highlands last Tuesday, and it was magical. The whole road going up was foggy, lucky Anas was driving else I'll be panicking haha. We had it for a day-trip so we went to try the indoor theme parks, which well, to our disappointment, have yet to open their roller-coaster rides to public. Their 4D cinema was just as good as 10+ years ago, I enjoyed the cinema very well. All in all? Go early to Genting if you at least want to go for more rides 'cause starting noon, there will be a lot of people queuing and you might need to wait until 45 mins for a 2-3 mins ride. So, plan your time wisely ok?

**

Oh!

Actually what I wanted to write in this post was never about the Genting trip, it was about what I observed the other days.

You know, if you pay attention when you are at the public places,

you'll notice a father that stopped eating when his child cried, and played with the child, letting the mother eat at her time peacefully, while scrolling phone and catching up with the world,

you'll notice that some people considered eating out is a luxury, that they are very hesitant in their order,

you'll notice a mother who let the father choose the menu for the night and just eat out accordingly,

you'll notice a father who listens attentively to his children while the mother enjoys her bowl of dessert,

you'll notice a wife who let the husband pray first, while she safeguards the groceries they just bought but at the same time, you'll see another couple, where husband let his wife prayed first,

and too, you'll notice a mother who had to bring the baby with her while she prays, because there's no one to take care of the baby meanwhile,

you'll notice a child who was embarrassed when her father was being rude to the waiter,

you'll notice a couple, where the guy has to carry luggage, shopping bag, girl's handbag, while the girl brings practically nothing with her, oh wait, she had her phone with her,

you'll notice some ignorant people who saw an old woman struggling to wear her pair of shoes while standing, while them sitting on the bench near the shoe rack,

you'll notice some waiters, they did not know that by saying "please be patient, that customer over there is also waiting" does nothing but give the customer more dissatisfaction,

you'll notice a whole lot more things, and you'll learn to appreciate what's on your plate.

***

with this, I end my post.

I humbly apologise for all my wrongdoings to you, if there are things that are still unsettled, please let me know so that we can clear it off and start afresh.

Make your last few days in 2019 counts and may all of you start your 2020 with a positive mindset and have a lovely year ahead guys and girls. :)

p/s: You'll never know when I'll be coming back here again right? haha.

T-27 days

"So, apa perasaan kau tinggal lagi sebulan je?"

Diam.

"Ke tak ada perasaan pun? Haha"

Senyum.

************************

Hello, how are you guys? How was Eid this year? Was it any good? Hope it is :') Mine was good, had the opportunity to celebrate it in Kelantan. Alhamdulillah. Got to meet aunties, uncles, cousins, babies and so many others that I haven't seen for a long time. (This will happen to you if you're studying abroad and not a frequent hometown-goer) Managed to catch up and yeah, it was good.

*************************

Kembali pada tajuk.

Menghitung hari ni boleh bagi dua kesan pada kau. Sama ada kau tak sabar, sebab tu kau menghitung hari. Atau kau kekurangan masa, jadi kau kena berlekas-lekas. 

--------

Teringat masa aku memanah dulu. Ada satu game, kena shoot 3 batang anak panah dalam masa dua minit. Aku ingat, masa tu kawan aku masa wakil gombak dulu datang tengok, nak bagi semangat katanya. So, masa tu dah hujung hujung game, aku dah tak ada tenaga sangat. Masa tinggal kurang 30 saat, and aku ada satu batang lagi. Aku ingat, aku withdraw bow aku, tunggu 'clicker' yang kat depan tu click, tapi tak click2. Pastu member belakang aku kira "10, 9, 8 ,7 ,6.." Aku tarik sikit lagi and shoot. Masa tu, nasib baik arrow masuk area kuning haha tengah tak tengah la jugak, so tak malu sangat sebab mmg masa tu aku sorang je kat shooting line. Semua orang literally tengah tunggu aku sudahkan arrow aku. Lepas je arrow aku sampai target, hakim tiup wisel, so kena gerak pergi ambil arrow dekat target board and catit markah. Tapi aku  kena patah balik belakang dulu sebab nak letak bow, sambil tengok member aku;

"Weh, thanks tolong countdown."

'Aku tak tahu patut countdown ke tak sebenarnya, sebab certain orang lagi tak boleh fokus and tambah nervous, nasib baik kau tak.'

"Oh, that countdown help me to push a bit more tadi. Aku tak larat dah haha"

'All good Sab, all good.'

----------

So, usually, I noticed, I handled countdown very well. During my studies, all these years, having a countdown never made feel nervous. Never affected me, never actually scares me. By having one, my productivity increased.

But this time around, it felt different.

I am nervous, (a good one though) but nervous. It scares me a little, but at the same time, I am excited. Counting days to the day gives me mixed feelings. Can't help it, I keep on thinking about so many things. The smaller the number became, the feelings got more tangled.

---------

That random sunset on Quadrangle grasses

Aku tahu, aku tak patut rasa takut. Orang yang akan pegang tangan aku nanti, inshaAllah, yang terbaik untuk aku. Dan aku doa banyak-banyak yang dia kekal yang terbaik untuk aku.

Cuma, kadang-kadang, malam malam macam ni, aku tak boleh nak elak. Untuk rasa asing. Rasa macam...haha aku pun tak tahu nak describe, cuma rasa sesuatu la haha :p

---------

"Sabrina, do you know that being human is a tough job?"

'Yeah I do.'

"Why? Why you said so?"

'Because being human, you have to make decisions. You have to care about your surroundings. You have to consider a lot of things. So yep, it's difficult.'

"Yes, that's why if you get a chance to be reborn, pray that you'll get reborn as an animal or trees, but not human."

Smiled.

'Actually no, if you ask me, I still want to be reborn as a human. There are just so many things so beautiful in it.'

---------

'Sesungguhnya Kami telah menciptakan manusia dalam bentuk yang sebaik-baiknya'-- At-Tin 95:4 

----------------

Coming back to the title?

Tonight, still 27 days to the next phase in my life.

May Allah ease everything for me. And you too. Aminnn.

things you wrote when you're frustrated with life

Hello, I was skimming through my journal just now and I suddenly I was crying after reading what I wrote. There is one draft I've written, I don't know when exactly, but quite recently I think that re-reading what I wrote, made me cried.

Can't believe I've written with emotion and it reached me again.

Thought of sharing it here, since I've never shown this side of me to you, so enjoy reading, but do keep in mind, things did end well. So, don't worry so much. After all, what's happiness without sadness?

******************************************************

Tonight is another night. My chest feels heavy. And my eyes are full of tears as I am writing this. 

I have a pretty rough day at work today.

I just wanted to tell someone about it. Just someone who will listen without giving me remarks like 'Peliknya' to my ideas, or 'You should not think that way' to what I say.

When someone did that to me, I feel so worthless and feels so stupid that a tiny part of me is screaming to disappear. I wanted to sleep now but I have to wait till Isya', so I guess writing here will make myself feel better, perhaps? Since maybe there are one or two of you who would read this and say nothing.

I am crying writing this and my chest hurts, no kidding. Sakit, I cannot believe the pain is physical now. Is it bad that I was praying to God to make everything ends right before berbuka just now? Since I saw someone tweeted that the prayer made before breaking fast will definitely be granted. So, it is okay for me to pray that the suffering will ends right? Oh, no. I didn’t pray for that. I prayed that everything will end, more like I am wishing for my death.

***

I have 2 current projects, that I am in charge of the procurement and claiming. I have to admit, my progress in this area is a bit slow because I am not familiar with the work sequence. The SOP is not clear. So, a few of them is pushing for progress today. Well, mostly it stuck because the other people do not give me the input, but what excuses are relevant to the bosses anyway right? IT IS YOUR FAULT FOR NOT CHASING THEM.

One is asking me to do claim and procurement and alternative costing for one project within this week. Another is asking me to check if the current cost for the project has exceeded the budget or not, and when it does, start worrying me while the budget didn’t come from me. How the hell am I supposed to know? "But you supposed to know, you should ask."

On top of current projects, I am doing tenders, Now in hand = three tenders. Yes, only for one tender, that I am directly in charge to prepare the costing for electrical services which I had to finish in less than a week. Another tender, my task is just helping to do the take-off, but I can foresee sooner or later this project will be under my responsibility as well.

And another submitted tender, now they wanted us to propose alternative costing, which means I have to redesign some of the things.

And yes guys, all of these things happened at the same time.

Yes guys, already highlighted to the bosses that these are too much task given to me, but you know what they always say 'Ya ya, you ask those and those to help you.' Then the circle began. Those people will say okay first, then they cannot do, by then they will come back to you saying they cannot do, and who has to do? In the end, it is you. Funny ey?

But the incident that really screws my mood was when my manager scolded me for not attending a workshop; when his email to us said 'Please attend if you are not too occupied with work'. So for god sake, you just gimme additional task 5 minutes ago and you are screaming to me for not going to the workshop? And when I explained the situation and he kept on saying 'we promised to support them so it is bad la if none of us go. You should just go'. And you tried to dismiss him and try to do your work when your director called you in suddenly asking 'WHAT HAPPENED WHAT HAPPENED? WHY YOU DIDN’T GO?' "You said yesterday, do not go if they could not confirm the seats. I've called on the number in the email every day, and I emailed her as well, but no reply." 'NO! YOU SHOULD FIGURE OUT HOW TO REACH HER. YOU SHOULD INFORM ME.' (I DID, YESTERDAY) "YOU SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE YOU KNOW, LATER THEY WILL THINK THAT WE ARE NOT SERIOUS WHEN WE SAY WE WANTED TO SUPPORT THEM."

Yeah. It's my fault now.

I walked out from them room mumbling the above sentence and guess what? The manager laughed, 'See I told you. What he says?' F*** off la. These old people. You don’t even know how to get your forgotten credit card pin and you think you are good?????

Haih.

I was covering the director secretary for a few days already. Do that and those, yes including printing & photocopying things for him. So effing tired.

Imagine being tired and all. So you went home.

And when you got home, you received messages from one of the project managers, asking why you didn’t submit the claim. Because why? His boss is pressuring him. And the fact is the very same boss was the one who to ask me to do so many other things. You see the cycle now?

I hate this company. No, I hate the management. I hate the toxicity of these people are spreading. Sometimes I don’t even know what I am doing. I despise people who said 'we can do we can do' and then torture their subordinate to do that and that. I hate these people who are very good at taking advantages of others. I hate them.

Tired. That just all.

My wise brain is telling me that if I don’t take care of myself, nobody else will. And that I can choose to ignore all this sadness and be happy. But it is not easy. To do a wise thing is never easy. But I hope I can pass through this. I can, I will.

Have you ever look back?

Looking back 5 years ago, I would most probably be finding ways to cope with my study life and being thousands of kilometres away from home. Yes, April 2014 means that I just reached land down under for 2 months and I think easter break is around the corner that time. I still remember that two days trip to Newcastle, with friends who welcomed me when I first arrived. Experienced my first sandboarding experience there (sand ya, not snow, haven't had any experience playing snow, or at least the ones that I can remember). 

I still remember during my first semester, I had to commute for 30 to 40 minutes on a bus, which can cost me around 150 bucks (or more?) a month. Getting all tired whenever I got home and had to cook dinner when it's my turn and later on had to finished all my assignment and actually study. Can't really stayed up late 'cause I'll be extremely sleepy the following day, and I just cannot miss my bus or I might miss my class. Those 8 am classes, how I hate them so much 'cause sometimes I had to run on these stairs just to reach my class. God! It is super tiring. 

Captured on first sight of my university. (can see from how 'centered' it is)
This is the stairs that I climb almost every morning

Let's not start talking about when I got harassed a few times when walking alone. Phew, memories that I really wished to disappear. 

And those time during my first semester when I had to learn an alien language (read: coding). That was a massive disaster I tell you. I had no such talent, no such comprehension on coding (now got a bit, I think haha) so every single time I had to finish my assignment, I would be crying silently in my shower. ( HAHAHAHA I KNOW IT IS SUPER SAD BUT HAHA THAT'S THE BEST PLACE TO CRY MAN!) 

But I survived that phase. 

Fast forward next 5 years, I am here. Finished my degree (after a few episodes of drama) and now in the phase of WORKING ADULT. 

This is a longer phase, that for sure, it would not be just 4 years like my degree. It would be longer, at least 6 years, or more, I don't know. One thing I am sure of is that I am holding on to myself now. I do not want to fall into being someone who lives life mindlessly, who do things out of routine without understanding the reason(s) behind it. 

I know my coping mechanism, I know things that will work for me (this blog for instance), and I want to start doing it again. I wanted to love myself more, I wanted to build myself, and I want to make this choice, to be happy. 

Oh, and yes, the 20-year old Sabrina used to hold to this phrase, and I stumbled upon it again, can't remember from where exactly, but we choose, we choose to be happy. And choosing is not just simply a decision without action, we have to make it happen. So, go travel, if that will make you happy; have a good cup of coffee, or watch a good movie, or stayed in and write a blog, do it, whatever it takes, when you decided to be happy. 

Have good weekend guys and girls. 

Take care.

senang-susah-bersama ; easy-difficult-together

"Susah sama-sama tu memang confirm, memang akan susah sama-sama."

Unavoidable. Without a doubt, we will have to struggle together.

*****

I paid a visit to a close friend today, on my way to office from Cyberjaya. Well, since I suck at texting so haha I randomly called her to visit her at her office! It was a good catch up I think, I hope she can feel the warmth and support I am sending to her. Anyhow, we talked a lot this morning. And those sentences came outta my mouth, not exactly that but something like that.

You have to accept that when you decided to be in a relationship/friendship with someone, you will go through hardships and trials, with them. It is without a doubt, that life would still be full of challenges, the difference is you'll have a hand to hold to.

Yes, it is super truly difficult to see someone you care, someone, you love, to be drowning in a mess that you might not, or might be responsible for. Sometimes, you feel it is unfair for you to drag them and hold them, but it is much more unfair if you decided to push them away when they really wanted to stay.

'Things is not going to be easy, but if we can stick to each other, everything is gonna be fine.' :')

People wanted to be by you, with you. You should let them, 'cause they want you to stay with them as well. It's never a one-sided thing, I want to stay, and I know truly you wanted to stay as well. So? We just to try and make things work.

'Susah senang sama-sama. Susah sama-sama memang wajibul ghunnah. Tapi susah sama-sama, bahagia pun sama-sama. Berkongsi rasa, ya, mungkin itu maksudnya.'

Makin lama, makin rasa erti persahabatan, erti suatu perhubungan. Tuhan betul sayangkan kita kan? Tengok sekeliling pun tahu dah, penuh kasih sayang <3

I pray that each of you reading this would be shower with love and strength, stronger bonds to go through whatever is coming in front of you.

Take care and goodnight.

*****

p/s: Ya, sis dah laju menaip sebab sis finally tukar SSD laptop. 

Harddisk laptop haritu rosak rupanya, kehkeh xp

On the 48th day of 2019

Bismillah. 

Hopefully, this attempt for a new entry in 2019 will be a success.

Hi everyone! How are you all doing? Hopefully all good yeah, if not, hang in there yeah? So yeah, I hope it is still not too late to write a summary of my 2018 (and also maybe my hopes for 2019?) 

But first thing first, I would like to apologize for not updating this blog more frequently. I was caught up with adulthood (dramatic much haha) but really, work has totally eat up a lot of my time (and my guy also :p) 

Bondi Beach, 2018

So, I’ll try to share a few points I’ve collected in 2018; 

• Work will always be work. It will be never-ending and if you did not decide where is your limit, then you’ll be having a very stressful situation and never fulfilling. 

• It’s okay to do something that you used to announce not to do. Like, if you used to go around telling people that you will never eat an avocado, but after years hating it without trying it, one day, you discover that it tastes good. At this moment, don’t be afraid to admit that you’re changing your stand. Don’t worry about what other people would say, ‘cause you’re never in control of it. So, suck up and eat as much avocado and just be happy. If you’re lucky, those around you might even share the excitement with you and share the avocados with you. 

• It’s okay to be afraid and to be in a state of not knowing what to do. It’s okay if things in your life is too overwhelming and you needed to cry about it. It’s okay. It’s okay to tell this to your closest ones. They will at least share the burden with you, so at least you can be strong for real, and not just pretending. (Thank you awak sebab selalu suruh saya bercerita hihi) 

• Everything in life is a phase. You’ll have to beat your ego and your negative side so that you can grow and move to the next phase. If you fall into your negative and endless thoughts about how incompetent, unworthy, useless etc, STOP. Stop at that instant and just stop. Stop your thinking process. You don’t need to try to be positive or whatnot; just stop the negative thoughts, trust me, it will do you good. That's it. 

• You have to learn to accept people for who they are. You can never expect someone who was brought up in certain ways (different than yours) to be having the same thinking method as you. You cannot expect your close friend to be okay with everything you do, because you feel like that. You have to accept that people have their preferences, but also keep in mind, those preferences changes! People change, so are you. Don't forget that. 

I think 5 points is enough of reflection ey? 

********************* 

Sorry guys, I am thinking too much at the moment. Too much. Very much actually. So, as my 4th point. I am going to stop thinking and just gonna post this entry tonight. (since among of thoughts is I should not expose myself like this) so yeah everyone, I'll write more soon. 

Bye, good night! 

Work-life balance.

Thoughts...

Last Thursday, I went back at 9.30 pm, and after driving halfway and passing through a dark area, then only I realized that I didn’t turn my car headlights. *facepalm* I was driving mindlessly for 15 minutes in the dark! No wonder people seem to be driving towards me, like as if they want to hit me. So careless *smh

Then on Friday, whenever I stopped for the traffic light to turn green, I closed my eyes for a few seconds but still sane enough to immediately tell myself that I shouldn’t do that because I’ll sleep and might go ‘langgar’ a wall or someone. So dangerous. And I was actually half crying thinking about the reason for this misery. I keep on asking myself, why do I have to do something like this? Is this actually normal for everyone else? Do fathers have to go through this kinda things to feed their family? For what reason am I holding on that pushed me to work this hard? Why?

*sigh

I just want a normal and relaxed life. Don’t want to be tempted by my peers who keep on building their career but eventually, I was tempted. I think I want to show others that I am able to cope with all these stress and pressure. That I will exceed their expectations of me - being a fresh graduate - who usually cannot cope with tons of workloads.

Haih.

I’m not liking who I turned out to be. Always not home. Always going off to work, always out and about. I miss being at home, with mum and dad. Doing pretty much nothing, just being at home. But yeah. I can’t expect things gonna be the same. I’ll have a family of my own soon (inshaAllah) and have to stand on my own feet.

Just that, I don’t like being this absentminded-er person (since I am already naturally one), it sucks when I give the negative vibes to those surrounding me.

My guy has been very patient with me, I can only repay him with my prayers for his affairs. I can never ask for a better person to be with me at this moment (for until the end, inshaAllah). I am truly grateful for every single thing he did for me, just to make me happy. 😊 Especially when myself feel like giving up on me, each time things are getting difficult and yet, he still manages to make me smile and feel better.

****************************************

So, I wrote this on 6th October 2018 when I think I had it bad. But now I came back to revisit on 20th October and it surprised me. I actually broke down in tears on 9th October haha, now that I think about it again, it is funny. I mean, not funny 'funny', it just that I can't believe I cried while finishing a job (that was meant to be done by someone else). Damn, I cried like really bad (yang air mata tumpah atas meja kinda thing sambil betulkan kerja orang haha) so dramatic, so much tears, so much pressure that I totally don't care anymore and can't be bothered that I cried in front of my peers haha....

The thing is I chose to overwork myself. :/  I can actually say no to my boss and explained to him that it is not my scope but instead I didn't say anything. But you guys don't have to worry, now I am starting to explain to him whenever he tried to put more stuff in my already full plate. He understood so far, so it's good.

Lucky, I am so lucky to have good colleagues/friends surrounding me. They understood my struggle and they never stop being caring. They sometimes offered me food when they knew I've been skipping meals, they always asked me to be a little chill whenever I showed too much stress on my face, they always remind me not to stay back too late and ask me to go home when it's already 8 pm. So yeah, I am okay.

And the verse,

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.........." -2:286

come to me again.

He is teaching and testing me with all these yet He surrounds myself with aids (read: love & support) and makes things easy for me as well. Can never be any more grateful for this. :')

I am now slowly accepting the fact that my job is very intense and challenging. Thing phase shall pass anyhow, things are going to be alright inshaAllah. I'll just find my work-life balance in my own way :)

And I pray you will find yours too :)

:)

Merdeka kah kita?

Hi, selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan kawan-kawan.

Hari jumaat yang penuh barakah. Alhamdulillah.

Semoga negara kita terus diberkati dan dirahmati, aminn.

**************************************

It was yesterday, during work, around 11 am-ish I think, when I suddenly told my friend that I was glad tomorrow (which is today) is a public holiday. Then he asked,

"Merdeka kah kita?"

And somehow, that question stuck in my head until right now.

Work has been crazy for me for the past two weeks. Had to juggle between four projects, with 3 bosses to communicate and report to, and a whole lot of holidays (which means less time to work in the office). I am tired. That's for sure. Things are getting very very fast for me. A day at work can go by just like that, with me stuck in front of my computer and resolving issues that usually don't involve myself (I am always dragged into things I don't know).

It's hard really. I wonder how people can handle it, with kids, family and all. I just can't really. Getting off from work late will definitely make my parents giving remarks like "Rajinnya kerja.", which is okay for a couple of times, but not every single time I got home late.

Sometimes, I hoped to be living in a shared house. So that, I can just come home to my room and sleep and no more human interaction because my energy always drained at work. Though, usually, conscience come knocking off that thought telling me that I need to be around people who loved me so that I'll be fine and not drown helplessly.

Oh, which reminds me what my director said to me the other day,
"Sabrina, are you 'chocking' now? Am I too fast for you?"

Sigh.

Asking a 6-month old employee to juggle between 4-5 project at the same time is what? Sometimes, I feel like asking my bosses if they're trying to break me. I think they might succeed in a week or so.

So, coming back to the question just now.

"Merdeka kah kita?"

I'm doing my work on a Friday public holiday and worrying about the unfinished jobs, I don't think I've achieved my independence yet. More like a slave to this capitalism. Now, I sounded like I really hate my job.

Well, better go back to work, Monday would be very crucial. My performance that day will define my career growth gradient. Pray for me guys! Pray that it will all goes well.

Gotta go back to work now, BYE!